Kristijan Modrušan | O nagluhosti

Kad moja kći pita... 1. dio: iz "Čarobnog šuma" "Što je gubitak sluha?" Pokušao sam joj reći... Nekad je poput glasa u trenerovih riječi: on se trudi jako jako viče ko iz megafona, al sve što čuješ da govori slika je bez tona U riječima što kaže promašiš neke zvuke. On ponovi, ti ne shvatiš zbog prevelike buke Ponekad pomiješaš, izgubiš neka slova, pa na stablu "sova" postane "ova" Tako, usred razgovora koji je u tijeku izgubiš kontekst, smisao pa uhvatiš "jeku" Drugi ti se mogu smijat - blizu, a ne shvaća! Al teško je pratit kad više ljudi priča "Al' što znači biti nagluh?!" - prekinula me. To je lako, mali tigre, ne čuješ više sve. Vidiš, dušo, ne čujem  zvuke koje čuo sam Oni koje čujem sada - to su noć i dan! Nedostaje mi noću čuti svoje disanje. Okružen sam tišinom i neprestanim zujanjem ..."glazba", kažeš? Volim je! Al često mi je zamor. K'o da sam u gužvi, a oko mene žamor Ne mogu je podnijeti mnogo,  umori mi se uho; bubnjić će mi "eksplodirat" i uho, eno - gluho Tako, često, kad sam vani ne plešem, jer se bojim da neću čuti riječ od tebe stoga stojim, dvojim. "Ma možeš čuti mene, tata! Znam da možeš, znam! i... i... shvatit sve što kažem,  sa mnom nisi sam!! Možda da se još potrudiš mene, mamu čut' - pada na pod od smijeha u bub-nji-ću!" Hoću, maleni moj poni - šalim se ja s njom bubnjati ću, bubnjati ću! dok ne bude lom! Nas troje smo trio, ti si dirigent - kuda ruka, štapić, tud za tobom bend. Oslobodi čaroliju pokretima prstâ ne moram te čuti čujem te iz srca  (kraj I. dijela) *** Kad moja kći pita... II. dio:"Gdje je Jurica?" "Me možeš čut' u gužvi?" - moj mali anđeo bubne "Za slučaj da se izgubim i ne vidim tvoje ruke?" Ne znam, to ovisi. Kad si blizu, mogu. Ako si van vidokruga, obećati ne mogu. Lakše je kad tvoj glas dolazi kraj lijevog uha, u radijusu kojeg imam još nešto sluha. "Tata, TATA!! A što je s morem?? Hoćeš li primijetiti plivam li u blizini ili sam na pučini?"  Ako glasno GLASNO zovem: Tatice, pomozi mi!" Luckaste me stvari pitaš, malena Houdini: izgubljena u prometu il negdje u divljini imat ću te svud na oku, uvjeravam te. Bit ćeš uvijek sigurna i sretna uz mene Čak i da si na pučini a plima te nosi moru ću na leđa skočit valima prkosit Plivat ću do zadnjih snaga pa da na Polu jesi i bez sluha ću te naći bez obzira gdje si "Tata, proljeće nas zove! Nažuljala me klupa ;))) Pojuriti na livadu hoćemo li skupa??  Igrat ćemo se skrivača, nećeš me pronaći! Probaj, brza sam ko vjetar vidi kako trčim!..."  Ajde, skrij se sada brojim 1,2,3... Ja krećem! Naći ću te gdje god bila ti!  male noge brzo jure brže, najbrže  preko trave meni nose note najdraže  (kraj II. dijela) *** Kad moja kći pita... III. dio: Neva Nevičica "Gdje ćemo putovat ljetos??" (krijem to od nje čuvam k'o iznenađenje da ne otkrije se) (Dugo dugo već planiram istraživat s njom; znatiželjna je ta ptica u gnijezdu mom) (Uma budna, tajni gladna maštovit njen je svijet skrivenoga blaga pun, misterija i sveg) Posjetit ćemo otok vjetra toplo se obuci Božićni sobovski džemper na sebe navuci Zelena svud trava raste brežuljci mu meki, strmi trči, kotrljaj se, veri! gdjegod da naumiš...  "Je li negdje blizu? Poznam li taj kraj? Gdje idemo tata, ne znam – pomagaj!" Ne mogu ti reći, buba. Mjesto skriveno gdje čarobni ti lahor šapće: Ovo je tvoj dom Evo, riješi zagonetku: Stabla mu rastu jača nego bilo gdje na Zemlji, mudrija i veća korjenje im u Dubini vitalnost upija čineći i ljude zdravim tu Priroda klija i brdski potočići, rijeke! žubore posvuda; glasni hihot riječnih nimfi i mrmor Oreada "Pljuskati ću,  bućnut, šljapkat! Uzvikivat eho brdom! Klijati ću, liječiti ću skupa s Prirodom!" "Idemo li skoro, tata, KADA idemo?? Ajde da se u balonu SMJESTA vinemo!" Ne možemo sad, polako. Mahnitaju uragani valovi se svud propinju, nemirni su oecani Ujesen? Il zimi? Tko zna... Ali znaj kad budemo tamo gdje će bit ti kraj :) "Ok, tata, vjerujem ti :) Ipak, muči me kako to tajno mjesto stvarno zove se..." "A mamica?? (njeno srce streslo se) hoće li doć?... mamica..." - oči joj zasuzile Sklopio sam joj oči Zamisli miris livade, cvijeće, djetelina razbijanje valova i pjene preko stina zamisli Čarobna šuma na stablu svakom vila pjeva nježnu pjesmu i odmara krila Zamisli, draga Neva, moja Nevičice nešto tamo kuca kuca netremice  Netko tamo čeka U granama se krije voli te najviše i najljepše se smije  Klikne, ozarena lica: "ZNAM! Srce!! Ma-mi-caaa!!!" :D (KRAJ)

When my daughter ask... Part I: "The Wizard of buzz"  "What is a hearing loss?" Tried to explain to her... Sometimes it's like a voice coming from your trainer: he tries really, really hard to direct and to shout, but everything you hear him say is word-without. In the words he uses you can miss some sounds. Understanding everything? Not as it's pronounced.  Sometimes you misplace letters in a word, and easily all he "swore" soon becomes a "sword".  Also, during conversation, even when it's pending you lack some nuances and even understanding. People can laugh to you because you're staying near, but in the larger group when talking everything's unclear.  "But what means being deaf?!" - she interrupted me That's an easy one, my tiger. You're unable to hear.  You see, sweetie, I miss sounds that I used to hear. Ones that I use to do seem to disappear: I miss hearing myself breathing in the night at bed. Surrounded by sound of silence and tinnitus instead. ...Music, you say? I love it! But it's often loud. When dancing in the club I feel like in the crowd. Can't stand it much, it's tiring and it often hurts. Feels almost like my eardrum is close to burst. So often, can't go dancing, because am afraid that all of a sudden won't hear a word you said.  "But you hear me talking, daddy! I know that you do! and... and... you understand all I'm saying, too!!  Maybe if you try harder hearing me and mum - laughing, she's so cute with your ear drum!"  I will, my unipony - kidding her back I'll drum and drum and drum! til' no drum to tack  We three are trio, you're conductor of the band - you feel the need to speak? Use your stick and hands  utilize your magic and free unspoken art. No need to hear you I hear you from my heart. (end of part I) *** When my daughter ask... Part II: "Where's Waldine?"  "Can you hear me in the crowd?" - said my little angel "If a call you when I'm lost, or in a danger?"  I don't know, depends. If you're close, I might. Otherwise, can't promise if you're out of sight. It's easier when your voice comes from the left side. Then my hearing radius gets somewhat wide.  "Daddy, DADDY !! And what about the sea?? Will you notice if I'm swimming away from where you'll be?? If I'm loudly LOUDLY calling: "Daaaddy, heeeeelp meeee!?""  That's really silly question, my little child. Whether being lost in traffic or missing in the wild I'll keep an eye on you, making myself sure that you're always safe, happy and secure. And even if the tide if strong and you're out of reach unbreakable is our bond from ocean to the beach I'll swimm like a guard boat no matter where you're at can't hear you, but will find you never forget that  "Daddy, springtime's calling! Will you join me? We can run out on meadow, playing hide and seek! I'll hide so well you'll never find me, try if you dare!" Go, run!  I'll count and catch you! Hide anywhere! her clumsy steps making noise - music for my ear - outside in springtime colors 'til they disappear      (end of part II) *** When my daughter ask... Part III: Erin Crockovich  "Where our journey starts?" (I keep it in my mind keep it as surprise she could never find)  (I'm planning for so long - we'll travel and discover she's a curious bird still inside my cover)  (Still inside the nest so let's show her the world places, hidden treasures of mysteries untold)  We're going on an island windy, full of breeze taking Christmas sweater might be clever! (sneezed!)  Its green grass growing on hills soft and sheer you can run! you can roll! throughout the year... "...is it somewhere close? Do I know the land? Where we're going, daddy, I don't understand?"  I can't tell you, kitty. Secret is that place - magically whispers to love it and embrace  but here's the hint to riddle: its trees are growing stronger than anywhere on Earth! they're wiser, and longer  their roots are close to Depths filtrating the cures making people healthy and the nature pure and lakes, hills, rivers! they burble everywhere water nymphs are calling and so the Oreads  "Yea! You'll see me plashing! Shout from hill to hill! I'll help cure the land, it will be never ill!"  "When we're going, daddy? Are we going soon?? I wanna fly there NOW with a hot balloon!"  Take it easy, peasy, sea winds are frantic - if been unwary, you'll end in the Atlantic  In summertime? Or autumn? Who knows? But I swear - anytime we go, you'll like it when we're there  "Ok, daddy, I trust you Still, I don't know where's that secret place we are looking for"  "And what about mommy? her heart in doubt and fear will she come... my mommy..." her eyes are glowing tears  Closed her eyes Imagine, endless cloverleafs and the foamy waves crushing into cliffs  Imagine holy forest abound of fairies singing in the echo that the gorges carry  Imagine, dear Erin, my dearest child something slowly beating endlessly, like drum someone there awaiting hidden in the wild who might it be? ....  Sunny face "It's mum!" (THE END)